Watching Zetsuai and Bronze is like mortifying myself both mentally and physically… that kind of love… I know that kind of love… so strong… too intense even to breathe…
I already knew that for myself… to love is to commit suicide… love hurts. To love means to be hurt by my own feelings… can never calm down… can never be satisfied!
I know it when Koji rides his motorbike in the highway following Izumi and murmurs to himself something like “Don’t leave me! Someone please kill me!” I know it. I know that feeling!

I heard from someone that the manga was even much better than the anime. However, I think I would prefer the anime:P. I don’t like too tragical stories. It would only leave me most emotional and unecessary dull feelings which I would not like. I will stay with the much simplified anime than come to the toooooo complicated and tragical manga. Although I don’t understand much about the storyline, I can “feel” the characters, and so many tragical details are enough. Enough for the anime to be understood. Enough for the intense love between Koji and Izumi become beautiful and touching and overwhelming! Enough for me to tremble. And enough for Zetsuai and Bronze to be one of my fav animes, in the second position, right after Loveless!

Funny. Why do blog services always ask me to add tittle to my blog entries?

I'm up already. Too earlier than usual. After a quite scary moment of nightmare. And now I'm here.

I wanna stay at home. Dont wanna go to work. Damn. My flu. I can't breath. Even feel hurt inside my nose. Can't smell as a result. Can't hear clearly. My eyes are heavy but my damn mind is totally conscious. Means I could not fall asleep again to get up again at 7. Means I had to get up while I didn't want to. Sigh.

Every morning when I get up, I only wish that day would pass by really fast so that I could get home soon. But when work-day passes by and I can go back home again (how happy!), I always feel... feel like I'm an useless person...

Useless person who can not even write a personal statement for herself. Useless person who can not even imagine clearly about her plan in the future. Useless person who only sits there and funtions like a plastic doll while time passes by really fast together with chances...

I hate myself!

suddenly I get bored with everything. flowers. colleagues. job. what is so funny? what is worth to be funny?
plan. plan. plan. until when will my plans not be plans anymore?
confused. as a lonely walker in a dard wood. no companion. no weapon to protect myself. only gloomy wood and darkness.
get lost, did I? what should I do? where should I go?
nerves start to be stretched. my head starts to be stretched. headache.

let’s talk about life
after I finally die
what else could I bring along with me
except emptiness and void?

As a kingfisher
standing on a stake
I am looking for my own life/part which is lost
in the marsh of life…
in the marsh of life…

please don’t ever ask me
why we fell in love
why my lips are hot
why my hands are cold
why I am trembling
why I can’t stand steadily on my feet…
the reason… why and why…

Let’s talk about life
love is like a knife
love is like a spearhead…
severed down my first love
tenderly and sweetly…
to where did her go?...

To where did you go?...
I am a kingfisher
you are beautiful reflection of the moon
we are only seperated by the surface of a lake
but myriads of miles far away…

Monday... begins a week... as it always does... what will happen in this week I wonder...

... hmm... such a shame! He tries to irritate me why is that??? Why does it have to happen in this Monday morning when the sky gets blue and the sun starts to shine after cold winter and I am feeling so well??? And he is successful I think, as I totally forget what I wanted to write here... and my fresh feeling completely disappears

As a result I delete and ignore his nick name... What will be the next?

I will come back later!
***

It's nearly midnight again. and I'm here again. always get the inspiration of working when the night comes and the curtain of the darkness starts to cover me...
Leslie is singing into my ears again... Leslie... I told J today that I was out of fashion because I was not into foreign music except Leslie's music, no, not just Leslie's music and movies, it's just greater... Leslie's Culture I mean... yeah... culture... he creates a new whole culture for HK, Chinese and Asia in general... fans hold events to commemorate him twice a year, fans try to spread his legacy and his spirit all over the world, fans organize charity on behalf of him.... etc etc. Awesome!
Ooops, but what did I want to say... yeah, I am out of fashion with only Leslie's Culture... but I am willing to be out of fashion... "time is the ageless witness"... time tells me that only Leslie's Culture can fill my "other side" ... only Leslie's songs and deep low voice can calm me down and warm me up... and as an actor, he is the best actor I've ever known....
Just like J with Plumb or with x, I can only get balance when I'm in Leslie's Culture... It's not me who want it to happen. It happened so naturally. It made me realize how important Leslie is in my world...

Well, but reading those words from Eliza Chan today, I feel very sad... very very sad. Nadia irritated! She seemed to be really furious. She reacted so strongly against Eliza's words. I only feel sad. I can guess why Eliza said so... regarding this matter I have 2 opposite opinions... sigh. As a Buddhism lover, I am so afraid what we do twice a year will somehow keep Leslie with this dirty world, and he can never let go freely... he died so tragically. he must have been so hurtful in his heart... his soul, therefore, is difficult to rest in peace... our tears only make things get worse... a hurtful soul will never be released. Will never be reincarnated. That's why many of us see or dream about Leslie, or feel him around us. I myself usually get the real experience about that... as if Leslie is really around me... even now right in this moment when I listen to his song... no voice could be warmer and more LIVELY. As if this person is really standing HERE and performing this song. I've never had such feeling with any other. Sigh! So what? Do I really want it to happen? Do I really want to keep him back while he needs to go....!!!

but then, however,... it becomes the whole world's custom that we (family and friends) gather to commemorate our beloved in his/her bday-dday... so why fans can not hold the memorial events for Leslie? Why Courtney Love or Yoko haven't said a word about fans gathering and organizing commemorative events for Kurt Cobain or John Lennon????? Why Eliza said so???? It's just a way to show our respect. Just a way to spread his legacy. Just a way to those "dirty hands" people who used to push Leslie out of prizes have to open their eyes. So why complaint about Leslie fans gathering???? Fans help Leslie a lot indeed. With fans' great love and support, Leslie name is now further away from the dirty nick name "a homosexual artist" to be closer to "The Legend of Asia". Without fans, if Leslie could be chosen as the Most Beloved Actor in the 100 years of Chinese movie world? if Farewell My Concubine become the symbol of Chinese movie??? No way! Leslie need fans. Only fans can make people understand him, only fans can clean up those dirty stuff that dirty media gave him! Dirty media!!!
(sweet and surprising coincidence is happening... when I am writing those lines, The Moon Represents My Heart starts to play... remember that the beginning of the song is fans' voice and then Leslie sings... such a sweet way to show me that you know how I care, my Dearest Leslie! I know you are always here with those who love you from the heart! I really appreciate that!!!)

***
Another thing keeps bugging my mind... Photoshop does not allow me to put Vietnamese words inside a pic... what should I do? I prefer creating a website with photoshop though, it's very deep and beautiful and unique... but without Vietnamese words, what will I transfer to our Vietnamese people?????
Lesie please help me. Show me the way. I know you can!!

Allure me...

Allure me...

Change me, grow my wings and teach me how to fly... teach me how to live to the fullest... teach me how to fly toward the sun....

***

Yesterday night I stayed till 4 am to edit and create header images for my website, using photoshop... it was so interesting indeed ... now I get the main idea about layers and colors ... I am so slow, I know... while others already have beautiful websites using Photoshop and Dreamweaver/Frontpage/Publisher, I am still here fighting with basic skills of Photoshop and Frontpage... and I don't know anything at all about HTML/Java, stuffs like that... Need to repeat myself here: I am slow, I know... self-learning is never easy... and never fast....

Here is my work from yersterday... the first two header images... they might looks so funny because they are made by a newbie in Photoshop and still have many basic faults, but I still wanna post them here, to "create memory" about them, about me, about these days...

***

401 is no longer the Fool's Day to me... so yesterday I was cheated...

Someone called me at 0:20 am and told me that he loved me ... I even didn't have any idea about The Fool's Day... so I believed him, and I tried to explain to him that I didn't love him, that I only considered him as my friends, that it would be no use falling in love with me, that he should forget his idea...

But after knowing his joke, I was really happy because I was cheated. I really don't want him to love me.

Leslie, you chose to leave us on the Fool's Day, you thought that could make us feel easier??? No way!!! No way!!! You know, Leslie, from then on 401 is NO longer the Fool's Day...! Never!

***

11:26 pm

red butterfly, red butterfly.
as you come as you fly.
dust will cover me.
flower will be you.
a scene to remember.

Fly away little butterfly...
May Permanent Peace and Happiness will always beside you.
Your memory will stay in my heart forever!
Forever!!!

***

I could not be in HK this year AGAIN and could NOT send him flower as well

Actually I still can order flowers from a shop called Juju, but I don't like the samples they show me...

So here I attach a pic... a beautiful bouquet in my opinion... hope he can get it and like it...